Tiffany messaged me shortly after Lauren's birth and said something a long the lines of "Where have you been all of my life? I need you to photograph this birth or I refuse to give birth until you agree."
Okay fine, she said "Hi, are you available?" And thus began the wait. Three long months passed before the text finally arrived that said "I'm at a 3!" I settled back into my couch with my coffee, planning to head to the hospital a few hours later. Literally 45 minutes later, another text popped up. "Hey girl, I'm at a 7." I threw on all necessary clothing, threw my hair in a bun and ran out the door. I hyperventilated for most of the drive, because a thirty minute drive feels like hours when you're pressed for time. As I pulled into the parking lot, one last text read "Are you close, I'm feeling some pressure..." "I'M NEVER DOING THIS AGAIN!!!' I screamed internally, knowing that I was going to miss the birth by seconds. I ran across the parking lot, cussed the elevator, ran through the halls, and burst into the room. A quiet, peaceful, dimly lit room met my out of breath mess.

"Hey, do we need syrup?" Tiffany said.
"We're not making pancakes." replied a sleepy voice from the sofa.
"It's going to be Christmas morning! We're having pancakes!"
"Do you know you're having a baby right now? NO PANCAKES."
"Fine I'll just get some anyway."

And that's when I knew I was in with good people.

Apparently my prayers for everything to slow down until I could get there were answered. I sat in the chair a little bummed that I missed all the hard labor photos, but laughed as Anthony and Tiffany bickered back and forth about their grocery lists. A little while later, she put her phone to her side and said "Okay, Jaxton. I finished the grocery order. You can come out now."

We chatted back and forth for a while, where I learned that Jaxon was a rainbow baby. My heart swelled in my chest as I felt instantly more determined to capture the raw emotions that accompanied meeting this sweet miracle. Suddenly, I noticed the conversation had slowed. I looked over at Tiffany and saw her in obvious discomfort. "Page the nurse. The pressure is getting intense." Then I realized she was in what I've learned to recognize as transition labor, AKA best labor shots (sorry Tiffany.) A few position changes and a rapid 30 minutes later, the doctor came in. After one last check from him, I think Tiffany pushed twice before Jaxton was out. I mean, it was the quickest birth I've ever witnessed. I didn't even have time to adjust any settings. But I guess Tiffany was grateful for that.

An angry cry filled the room as Jaxton let us know immediately that even though he was tiny and perfect, his lungs were at full capacity and ready to be utilized. MCH is a well oiled machine and had him cleaned up and back in his Mama's arms only minutes later. I stayed in my corner as I watched the tears flow from Tiffany. A sweet tenderness filled the room as I realized that while she was so elated and happy to meet Jaxton, she was also grieving the losses of sweet Faith and precious Hudson. And that's when I felt overwhelmed by her strength. To hold this sweet boy in her arms and still long so deeply for Faith and Hudson. Knowing that her family was both complete and forever incomplete. To look in her husbands eyes and cry. To see him hold her hand and kiss her head. I was so honored to witness it. And that's the thing about rainbow babies, guys. They don't replace what you've lost. You don't just forget about the other losses because another baby is in your arms now. I urge and implore you to prayerfully consider the way that you respond to a mother who finds herself pregnant after a miscarriage. Let's absolutely celebrate this precious new life with every ounce of our being, but also be aware of the other little life she's continually remembering and longing for. And that's what I loved about Tiffany. She kissed her baby and wept openly. She told him she loved him more than I can count. She counted his fingers and his toes. She soaked up every single detail of him as quickly as she could, but still honored Faith and Hudson in the process. It stirred every emotion in my soul.

Tiffany, you're one of the strongest women I've had the honor of capturing. Thank you for sharing your story gracefully and openly. Jaxton is perfect and I'll remember the details of this birth for the rest of my life. Congratulations!

***Oh, and as you can probably guess. I'm totally doing this again. And again. and again. and again. I am booking 2018 births! Please email or contact me on facebook if you're interested!***

That's it. I'm a Birth Photographer.

On Wednesday evening, I had a feeling. Do you ever get those? Not a bad feeling, not a good feeling... just a nudge. Lauren was on my brain. I had spoken to her the day before, and she mentioned she felt like labor was imminent. "It'll be a couple of days, I have pretty long labors," She assured me. I started calling in my back up babysitters, beyond hopeful that she would go into labor while the kids were at MDO. Anyway. I had one of those feelings, so I sent her a message begging her to call me if she went into labor. Don't text me, don't voxer me...Call me until I answer. Boy howdy, am I glad I sent that message.

I had a hard time falling asleep Wednesday evening. I felt like it was empathy for Lauren, because I knew she was having another night of contractions. Around 1:45 A.M. I finally dozed off, and what felt like moments later, I heard my phone ringing. A slam onto the "ignore" button in a state of confusion led to a blurry gaze at the clock. "Who the... well, you know... is calling me right now?!" Then suddenly, it clicked. It was 4:17. The phone rang again, and Lauren's name popped up. Cody started to sit up in a state of panic, so I ignored again (So sorry, Lauren) and stumbled into our living room. "I'm up! Call me when you're ready!" I replied through sleepy eyes. A list of texts and Voxers from Lauren were in my notifications. If she hadn't called, I would have missed the whole thing. God bless those little nudges. I threw the kids lunches together, laid clothes for the day, grabbed my camera and flew out the door. The drive was eerie. Our city was sleeping and my car headlights looked like those beams that they use to beckon people to the fair. I hung out in the waiting room for a bit, respecting their privacy and overall unreadiness for glamour shots at 5 A.M. Around 5:30, Jordan came and got me. Lauren was in the heat of contractions and waiting for a (low dose, shouldn't even count as a thing) epidural to kick in. I was able to capture some of the more intense contractions, and smiled to myself at how laid back they both were. This is their fourth baby, and it was so cool to see them so relaxed and aware of the process. Lauren would say things like "No, this doesn't feel like transition yet" and "I'm starting to feel a lot of pressure. I hope the doctor gets here quick." Jordan was so good to know when Lauren needed to hold his hand, and when she needed to just hunker down and use the bed rails as support. Time passed quickly and slowly simultaneously. A quick glance out the window at 7:45 showed a beautiful sunrise and the signs of our city coming to life. Just a few minutes later, Lauren said "Okay, It's time." and maybe 5 seconds later, Dr. Doke walked in. "First" by Lauren Daigle began to play on the speaker Lauren brought to the hospital with her. Two pushes later, an angry little boy was born, showing us the incredible capabilities of his lungs. The song didn't even play all the way through. It was the most amazing thing I've been alive to witness. My kids were C-Section babies, so I was pretty stoned. I don't remember much of it. To see a life enter this world.... to watch what our bodies are capable of. To see strength that we don't know we have come to life. It was breath taking. To capture it all was such an incredible experience. Thank you Lauren and Jordan for trusting me with this amazing opportunity.

If you can finish reading this through your tears, I would just like to state the most obvious thing in the world and say that I absolutely loved this experience. I would be more than honored to capture your birth. I feel like Lauren can vouch that I kept my time post-birth to a minimum, and stayed out of the way. I stayed by her head for her labor and delivery, and I didn't take any pictures of her that would traumatize either of us. If you are interested in a birth photographer, or know someone that might be, please message me. It's an experience that I would love to re-live again and again. I feel like I've finally found my niche. Seriously. It was the coolest thing in the world. Otherwise, I'll just wait for Lauren's next baby. ;)

Congratulations, Jones family. Palmer is everything that dreams are made of...

...When he's not screaming. 

OH, and check out THIS hysterical video of Jordan and Lauren WHILE she was in labor. And try to remember what you were doing during contractions. I don't know about you, but it sure as heck wasn't high kicks. 

A Mushy Post of Gratitude.

Here's the funny thing about launching a business.

It's saying "Hey, I think I have a niche for this. I'm willing to lay everything I've got out on the line, just on the off chance that it works out and turns into the best thing I've ever done." It's saying "Hello, this is the greatest hope and biggest dream that I've grown in my heart, and I'm willing to try and make it come to fruition." It's saying "I know that somebody is going to screenshot this and send it to their friend with an eye roll and a 'She thinks she's a photographer now." It's knowing that there's overwhelming odds against you, but you believe in yourself enough to step forward with this passion that you believe could change your life. That doesn't happen very often in life, I don't think. I mean, I feel like maybe you do that kind of thing with Motherhood, but it's more subtle. Like sure, you say "I am going to be a Mother" but I feel like once the egg implants and the fetus starts growing, you don't have a choice. Like it's a brave step forward, but it's also forced. When you grow a dream, you always have the choice to keep it safe in your grip. Or you're able to tuck it back away into the safe place of your mind. It's better to keep it in the "maybe someday" category, over the "Let's see what happens" category.

About two years ago, I was in a rut. I loved my kids, I loved being their Mom, I loved staying at home with them... but I was really battling depression. Let's just lay it all on the line. I mean, we're human beings, right? We want affirmation, we want accolades, we want to be recognized for our hard work. But Motherhood, as we all know, is something that is astoundingly unappreciated, and none of us really understand everything our Mom did for us until we have our own ungrateful children. I was lacking in a sense of identity, because I revolved every victory and loss around my role as their Mom. I pondered all of my options. Was there something I could make? No. I'm not crafty, and my house looks like a Pinterest graveyard. I don't like starting a project that I can't finish the next day. Was there something I could sell? Lolz. No. It's a great opportunity for so many people, but it's not my gig. I could sing? But not in front of people, except at church, but that's different. I don't charge people for that. Maybe I could invest in some sort of apparatus that does crafty work for me? No. I threw a sewing machine away because I couldn't figure out how to thread the needle. Then came the comparisons (number one, why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we compare our potential to other people? That's a different blog for a different time.) For every idea I came up with, I would think "Oh. But ______ is so good at that already. It's not an upper hand for me." Frustrated with myself and my lack of hobbies outside of breastfeeding, I remember sitting at my kitchen table with my head in my hands. "WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME ANY TALENTS?!" I sighed, half a prayer, half talking to myself. And spent the next few days really mediating on what I could do to financially contribute to my family, get myself out of the house, and remember what it felt like to do something for myself instead of for my kids. 

The weeks pressed on, when my love for writing kept nudging at my heart. I knew what the nudge was, and usually it was shrugged off with "LITERALLY NO ONE WRITES ANYMORE. I'm not interested in writing books, I'm not interested in being a professional blogger, I'm not interested in writing letters on someone's behalf. There's nothing left to do with that." Still... the nudge remained. I tried to pick up on blogging in a desperate attempt to understand why writing was pressed so heavily against my heart. One day, while blogging about my sweet babies, I started searching my computer for pictures that would match what I was writing about. Instantly, something clicked. I looked around my house at pictures of my kids. Canvases covered my walls. Hundreds and hundreds of photos were stored in folders on my computer. Each of them shot meticulously and nary a one was just a blurry, pointless pictures. Each picture told a story. I could tell you exactly why I took each one, what my kids were doing that made me pick up the camera, and a short narrative to describe the way the picture made me feel looking at it months, or in Ella's case, years later. "Surely not," I said to myself. Photography? How could I possibly compete with this saturated market? No one would take me seriously. I hardly know how to work the camera on Manual. Nobody would pay me for these. Then, as the slideshow of our year played on the screen in the background while I thought, I looked over and saw this photo: 

This picture will stand out in my memory for the rest of my life. It was taken after midnight. We had fought our son for hours to sleep. Something was in the air that night I guess, because he wasn't going to sleep longer than 10 minutes, regardless of how many songs were sung, bargains were made, or tears I cried. I was playing on my phone when I heard "Pssst..." and looked up to see this. Cody's smirk of victory accompanied by the exhaustion across the rest of his body. I can still hear how heavy he was breathing under the weight of that chunky little boy. His phone rests beside him, playing Chris Stapleton, which was the only thing that we could get Adam to sleep with for the first year of his life. A baby walker and bag of blocks are hiding in the background, and I still feel the gratitude that I felt that night, when my husband cleaned up the blocks that were scattered around the house only hours before, and the way it felt to walk through the house without being afraid of my feet or their fate. In that minute, I grabbed the camera, because I knew that I would look at this picture in 30 years and smile. And probably remember it like it happened the day before. 

That night, I realized that yes, I am a writer, but maybe more than that... I'm a storyteller. Maybe the nudge to write didn't necessarily mean publishing works to be read. Maybe the meaning behind the love for writing involves the stories that I'm able to tell. I love to write, and I love to take photos, but making people feel something when they see or read my work is the drive behind what I do. I see that in my portfolios, whether that be for my family or whether that be your family. I see the way your husband looks at you when you're trying to wrangle the kids. When he's caught somewhere between embarrassment at their behavior and pride that this woman and those babies tugging at the dress that she never gets to wear belong to him. I see the way your kids light up when you're trying to make them laugh at photoshoots. When the sounds and the jokes that I don't get start to roll off of your tongue, but the spark in their eyes lights up. I see the hesitation on your face when your kid cooperates completely with me, and I listen for the laugh and the sigh of relief when your kid makes a fart noise or a goofy face. The candids are where the story lies, so I'm always so grateful when a kid gets comfortable enough just to be himself around me. The reason that I love photography is because I get the chance to creatively tell the story I read about a family. This isn't always with words. Sometimes I go on gushy Facebook rants, but the rest of the time, I try to include a creative mix of candids, posed portraits, and black and white photos that make you remember every detail of the time we spent together. As a professional wallflower, I love quietly observing, and observing through the lens is the coolest job in the world. 

As you know, I was brave enough to launch my business almost two years ago. So far, things seem to be going pretty well. Some months, I can almost hear the crickets, but other months, I have to turn people away because the days fill up. That's a part of it that I've learned to shrug off. Sometimes you're busy, sometimes your not. But I'm so relieved to say that I've never left a session feeling unhappy with the shots during the session. Some shoots felt more chaotic than others, and other times I prayed through the edits, thinking "Please meet the image count, please meet the image count." I can think of one session that was a total disaster, but that was just a series of unfortunate events. It wouldn't be a real business if it didn't include those kind of things. I've had opportunities to meet so many wonderful people, and as a giant introvert, I don't take those opportunities lightly. I have been amazed at some of the shots that I was able to capture, some of the stories I've been able to tell, and some of the hilarity that accompanied them. I have so appreciated the loyalty of some of my clients. This is hard, competitive business, and you can always find somebody cheaper... maybe even somebody better. But the fact that you keep coming back to me and my sarcasm just means the world. I see that loyalty, and I always try to honor it in your image counts. Sure, I went to the eye doctor in May and said "I think I have like, glaucoma, or something" and I was patted on the shoulder and told that 6 hours of computer time a day wasn't healthy. There have been seasons of learning priorities and seasons of feeling a little over stretched (read: October to Mid-December), but the entire experience has been so wonderful and exactly what I needed to feel like a Shania kind of woman again. 

So basically, my blabbering tonight is to thank you for allowing me to tell these stories. For continuing to contact me to capture your family and your sweet babies. You keep calling me to come back, and each time you do, it boosts my confidence and my skill set a little bit more. It's almost Christmas season, when you'll find me borderline grinchy and red eyed from trying to get your Christmas card photos edited and back to you as quickly as possible... but in case I forget, I am so thankful for what I do. I'm thankful that I said yes to risking falling on my face, and I'm so honored to capture any little part of your life. 

***Shameless plug:

August, September, and all but 1 October WEEKEND evenings are booked. This is not to say that I can't find a spot for you... it's only to say that it's time to cautiously accept that it's time to start thinking about these things. Just go to Hobby Lobby if you don't believe me. 

Solidarity, Sister: Anna

If ever there were a woman that walked hand in hand with my version of motherhood, it's Anna Reed.  Like, I was going to take this little survey myself, but Anna's answers match mine so identically that I think I'm just going to leave it here with her. Anna is the 5 pound mother of FOUR boys, all close together, all oozing personality. Anna and I have a really weird friendship, as it consists mostly of texts and instagram likes, but I think it's just the season of life we're in. We're raising kids and eating little debbie treats after bedtime and laughing at sitcoms we watched before hurricane Motherhood took us out. Most of our conversations begin with "Tell me I'm not a bad Mom for *insert scenario*" or "I'm in bathtub eating Noosa and drinking wine." This text was completely made up and never actually sent. *cough* I love Anna, because I can text her and say "My kids are bringing out my inner psychopath today." and she responds with a GIF or a witty remark that makes me exhale and trudge on. I love Anna because she understands the trenches. She understands the occasional longing for a time when my time was my own. She understands that this season is beautiful, but sometimes you just want to explode internally and run away to clear waters and fruity drinks. She knows that sometimes, your kids are just turds. There's no deeper meaning, there's no opportunity to teach them the better choices... you just pat their heads and tuck them in. You start again tomorrow. I love Anna, because our focus is raising our kids today, believing that the way we respond will make them funny and witty. That sometimes our "kid friendly" cuss words actually end up being pronounced as real cuss words. This really happened to me. I love Anna because she knows that the grace of Jesus covers a multitude of sins, including the ones we make as Moms. Feeling inadequate is such a lie from the pit of hell. We talk ourselves into this horrible state of believing that our kids are being robbed of the mother they deserve, when Jesus has given us everything we need for today. THIS DAY. Today is the motherhood I'm focused on mastering, and He has blessed us with Little Debbie and Ben and Jerry to carry us through the dark days. Anna, I love you. I love that when you say "Solidarity, Sister" you are referencing both our battle cry and Gilmore Girls. Thank you for these amazing words that hit me right where I needed to hear them. I love your boys, and I am currently making a Pinterest board for Boone and Ella's wedding. They just fit. Check out Anna's motherhood!

What is your motherhood mantra?

His grace covers it all. Also, it's okay to watch 'too much' TV & eat lots of ice cream. Also, PRAISE THE LORD for ice cream. 

I'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. 

What is the best advice you could give a first time mom?

As a WOH, part-time homeschooling, mom of 4: it's okay to do your own thing. Figure out what works for your family & don't worry if it looks different. Everyone and their Grandma (& probably your own Grandma) will tell how to do the things - but they aren't your kid's Momma. God chose YOU for those babies & He will equip you. Don't be afraid to try something new. Ask for help. Have alone/quiet time. (I don't mean a Bible study, you should do that too, but you can read your Bible with your kids climbing all over you. Take a few minutes daily/weekly, whatever you can carve out, to do what YOU like: workout, or cook without 'helpers', or watch Real Housewives in your bathrobe, whatever makes you holla honey boo boo. And don't feel guilty about it. There is no such thing as too many baby snuggles, but it's also okay to put your baby down to dust or shower - sanity in motherhood is a plus. RELAX! Everything is going to be fine. Say yes to your kids more (but not always); Yes, you can build a fort with every pillow in the house; Yes, you can get play-do all over my kitchen table; Yes, you can stir the mac & cheese; Yes, you can have Cheetos when you finish your dessert; Yes you can pick out your own clothes even when we go in public; No, don't do headstands on the toilet. Everything in moderation. Lastly, do yourself a favor & teach them to like what you like, our kids are connoisseurs of 1980's & 90's movies & cartoons and I have never felt like I was missing out on Bubble Guppies. 

What's the most annoying advice you've received?

A few days before my induction date for Topher (firstborn), I ran in to the father of an acquaintance at Hobby Lobby who happens to work in the (non-OBGYN) medical field, and upon hearing our plans to induce proceeded to tell me all the horrors of Pitocin & epidurals, including but not limited to "If you get induced you will rip more!" Cool bruh, thanks for that terrifying visual. For the record, he was wrong so how bow dah. #epiduralisagiftfromtheLORD

What  is your favorite thing about your kids?

Besides that they are all too adorable for words & have the best hair in the land, I LOVE how they love each other. They are all best buds & it melts my heart every single day. I love the sound of their laughter. I love how they talk, like how they pronounce certain words & use grown up vocabulary. I love their freckles & birth marks. I love how creative and clever they are. They are independent and have great taste in music. I have to apologize to them often and they shower me with grace every single time. They are unbelievably generous with compliments too: "You are the best Mommy of all the Mommies in the whole world." "You is the prettiest gurl." "Mom is SO nice!" "I wuv yous chubby cheeks!" I don't deserve them and they inspire me to be better & gentler.  

What's one thing you wish you could tell the "newborn mom" version of yourself?

You are doing a good job, but be humble, this is the easy part. Life only gets better from here- rejoice, enjoy, soak up the present! You can do tough things. Chin up buttercup- parenting gets harder as the kids get older but the rewards get sweeter too. Read more. Hug your Grandma. Have fun! Not everything has to be serious & educational & extra spiritual, His grace is big enough to cover the all things you will miss or forget. 

I didn't take this photo, but I love it! Thanks Anna. You're my best text friend. 

Solidarity, Sister: Jessi

Jessica. Oh, Jessica. Jessi was one of my very first really good friends on this side of adulthood. There's a fine line between "young adult" friends and "We are getting old and things that used to be really fun just make me cranky now." She probably wouldn't word it this way... but it's the simplest variation I could think of. She and Jake were literally the only friends who weren't scared of our house in Odessa, and spent many a night at our table, eating Five Guys and talking about anything and everything. We used to have evening services at Stonegate, and it became a bit of a tradition to eat together at the Rosa's between Midland and Odessa each week. After the birth of each of our kids, Jake and Jess were at the front lines of the food deliveries, always thrilled to hold our babies and they always brought their own food to stay and hang out with us. Jess is 100% of the reason we live in Midland, as she sat down with Cody and tag teamed Jake on all of the reasons Midland was worth selling our house. We were at their house when ours finally sold, and we jumped and screamed and rejoiced together before we all chose a collective couch and napped. More recently, a newly pregnant Jessi and I sat together at a Coldplay concert, torn between feeling sorry for the drunk girl in front of us and videoing it to send into Ellen. I technically didn't know Jessi was pregnant that night, but watching her almost cry over Jake being unwilling to wait in a 3 hour line for Nachos was a pretty big indicator. She's raising two of the cutest little boys on the planet, and Hudson (her oldest) and Adam are growing up together in the same classes. It's going to be so sweet to watch their friendship blossom into a friendship like Jake and Cody share. And to also call each other back and forth on weekends to say "Is mine at your house?" They don't get a choice. They have to be best friends. All of this rambling I'm doing is rolling into one collective thought. Jessi is one the funniest, most creative, monogram loving, lover of all things southern, loyal people I know. I can go weeks or months (when one of us has a newborn) without talking to her, but when we do reconnect, it's like I've never gone a day without seeing the other. Those are the friendships you fight for. Also, anybody that can have an entire conversation with you using "The Office" or "New Girl" quotes only is somebody that you never let go of. Check out Jessi's view on #momlife. 

What is your motherhood mantra?

 Ummmm. (That's not it, I'm just thinking.) 

*I never actually got an answer for this. But hey, it could be something you relate to. 

What is the best advice you could give a first time mom?

Do what works for you. Don't be intimidated by Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest. Pray for wisdom to make the decisions that are right for your family. 

What's the most annoying advice you've received? 

Don't do CrossFit while you're pregnant. #alltheeyerolls 🙄

What is your favorite thing about your kids? 

Physically, Hudson's curly hair. And both our boys have these long beautiful eyelashes. Hatcher is pretty new, but I love Hudson's adventurous personality. It also gives me an anxiety attack several times a day. He loves to climb and has no sense of fear. I'm excited to see how it will manifest later. And I'm slightly scared. 

What's one thing you wish you could the "newborn mom" version of yourself? 

It goes by fast. Take lots of pictures and videos, and make sure you're in some. Take the help when people offer. I know a lot of people always say "Leave the laundry and the dishes. They can wait." Well, that stresses me out. So, I'll take some help to get those things done! Want to come hold my baby so I can do some laundry and take a shower? Yes, please!

*I feel like she meant to say "Have Kaylea do your Fresh 48s because they're the best."

Jake and Jessi are kind of entrepreneurs, and have all kinds of side businesses. Visit HERE for Jessi's Monogram shop or HERE for Jake's fitness line. I love you Russos! Thanks for being our friends, even when we lived in Odessa.